12inchpetetreat

The place where pizza comes to be written about

The new Pizza Hut Hot Dog Stuffed Crust dealt with accordingly

Pizza Hut have got to be taking the piss. Indeed, many people suspect that they are, the consensus among many being that their new base, the Hot Dog Stuffed Crust (and I don’t believe I have to explain the USP of this particular venture) was actually a hoax. Well, I knew that it wasn’t, because I knew about their last unique crust, the Crown, which consisted of tearable cheese-stuffed chunks interspersed with meatballs – when you can dream that up, why would you baulk at a crust stuffed with frankfurter meat?

I tried to eat it, I really did. But I am only human

I’m not going to dwell on the HDSC too much – too much has already been written about it elsewhere by minds more restricted in their thinking than my own when it comes to matters pizza. Suffice to say that it is disgusting – the sausage is plasticky and juiceless and has the texture of a dog chew, and its reflux-inducing rankness seeps into the dough such that even tearing off the crust (which really SHOULD have been just a hoax) doesn’t work. Normally, when I don’t finish a pizza, I pop it into the fridge to reheat for breakfast the next morning – well, I left my Hot Dog Stuffed Crust from Pizza Hut (topped with double cajun chicken and crispy bacon, both, for the record, also substandard) out on the front porch like a shamed cat. It was, and I am a man who very, very rarely uses this term in conjunction with a pizza, disgusting. And it cost me £18. This is the price of being London’s foremost pizza blogger, with apologies to the many who are better than me.

Why progress is wrong: Exhibit A

So. What WOULD make a good alternative stuffed crust? Here’s a few suggestions!
1) OVEN CHIPS. We live in miraculous times, where you can engage in jovial banter with your mobile phone and where Danny Baker is STILL allowed to ruin my Saturday morning radio listening with his breakneck-paced drivel-gush. So SURELY some boffin somewhere can come up with a way of making a crust that contains chips that emerge correctly cooked just as the pizza is ready? As an aside, I myself claim inventorship of the potizza – pizza sauce and toppings on a potato cake base. But people keep telling me it has been done.

2) CHIP SHOP STYLE CURRY SAUCE. I don’t believe I have to explain this one. Okay, it might not work with, for example, a seafood special, not that any fucker does any decent ones of that type anyway. But there are plenty of outlets who are trying their hand at tandoori and balti flavours nowadays. Mmmm, curry sauce crust!

3) DADDIES SAUCE. Quite simply, a match-up in Heaven waiting to happen, and if any of the major pizza outlets happen to be reading this blog – and I know they all are – then they need to get on this. Levi Roots and his Reggae Reggae tackle is all very well, but Daddies is a British institution. If this happens, and it will, I want royalties or a finder’s fee.

4) FOUR CHEESES. You’ve done it in a pizza topping, you can do it in a crust. But I don’t mean a blend – I mean an even dispersal. So you do it in an eight-slice serving, and you have two crusts with mozzerella, two with Cheddar, two with something mad like Stilton, and then two with that aggregational herby stuff they already put in the crusts. Again, finder’s fee.

5) SCRAMBLED EGG WITH CHORIZO. I am, I know, just dreaming now. Can you imagine how nasty that would be? Oh pizza, you dirty, DIRTY birdy!

6) CHILLI CON CARNE. Of all the options that I raised at the pub last night – and some of the rejected options included ‘onion gravy’, ‘spaghetti hoops’ and ‘batter’ – this one was the one that met with the most enthusiasm. Just imagine: “Hello, I’d like to order a large chilli con carne stuffed crust with spicy beef and jalapenos, please. Oh, and some onion rings.” Yumbags!

7) STUFFING. Thinking outside the box here. But what could be a better stuffing than actual stuffing? In a meaty pizza, it actually makes sense. So much so, in fact, that I’m not even going to finish with a joke. 12 Inch Pete Treat is not that kind of blog. When we’ve actually come up with a good idea, we just put it out there.

My considered overall verdict on the new Hot Dog Stuffed Crust from Pizza Hut

Filed under: Pizzeria reviews, Weird stuff from the pizza world

Pizza and a box set: The brilliance of The Wire, and my presence in it

Bubbles: has troubles

This one is going out to Luke Mackay, who can probably make a better pizza than I ever will.

Last month, for a variety of reasons, I was more or less forced into doing something drastic, and joining a gymnasium. I’m not happy about it, but them’s the breaks. I am also cycling to work a lot too, and not eating as much pizza, hence the rather scattered nature of recent postings hereon. Anyway, what all this exercise means is that I am usually spark out by about 10pm, and also rather knackered when I get home from work. So knackered am I, on occasion, that I don’t want to cook, as was the case last night. And last night, after a few good weeks of restraint, I folded, and got Dominos on the blower. And then I put on season one of The Wire, a dinner/DVD decision which was taken by many of my peers to be a good one (see below).

Praise for my decision to get a pizza and watch The Wire

I love The Wire. I know it’s a cliché nowadays to say it’s the best TV show in the entire history of ever, but some clichés, of course, become clichés because they stem from a kernel of absolute truth. The Wire really is that good, and in loving it as I do, I am simply exhibiting basic good sense and taste. But there’s another reason why I love it, which is that YOU CAN SEE MY WORK ON SCREEN IN EVERY SERIES OF THE WIRE. Yes, in a roundabout way, something that I wrought with my own fair hands, appears in every series of The Best TV Show That Ever There Was.

Jimmy McNulty: judgment sometimes faulty

Okay, to explain. Regular visitors to this virtual pizzeria will know that my first job was as a sub-editor, and then as a deputy editor, on a porn magazine, specifically Club magazine for the US market. You may even recall that, for a time, I was the ghost writer for Jenna Jameson, and, given the amount of hits that the merest presence of her name generated for this tinpot organisation the last time I mentioned her name, I am happy to reiterate this point once more.

I was there when we did this photoshoot!

Now, in the grand scheme of porn magazine things, Club magazine came a very distant fourth place behind the Big Three of Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler, none of whom actually consider themselves to be porn magazines, bless them. Club was very much the leader in a chasing pack that included the likes of Swank, High Society, Cheri, Genesis, and crikey, I really am trolling for blog hits now.

Carver and Herc: puttin' in work

We may not have sold much, but one thing Club was very good at was getting ourselves product placement in films and TV shows – our team aggressively targeted film studios and TV companies to let them know that, if they needed adult magazines as a prop for a scene, Club would be happy to furnish them with all the copies they needed, something which the Big Three apparently refrained from doing. As a result, you can see copies of Club festooned about the place in the likes of Knocked Up, The 40 Year Old Virgin… Indeed, in Little Miss Sunshine, when the camper van is pulled over by a cop and he finds a stash of porn magazines in the trunk, he picks up a copy of The Best Of Club that I compiled, and you can quite clearly make out the cover line ‘Janine Shakes It In Your Face’ – and that’s one of mine! Likewise, when Michael Madsen is killed in Kill Bill 2, he falls over and knocks over a huge pile of Club magazines in his trailer. The top one falls open at the Up Front section, a porn news round-up WRITTEN BY ME – it’s at 1:37 on the clip to which I have linked.

Dead Michael Madsen and some smut that I wrote

Anyway. One of the TV shows who embraced the presence of Club magazine the most enthusiastically was The Wire – it’s up there in every series, and indeed I once asked the show’s creator David Simon about its recurrence and he revealed that it became a bit of a running gag in the show. I hesitate to ever use the phrase “how cool is that?” but HOW COOL IS THAT? Anyway, the long and short of it is that every issue of Club magazine that is featured in The Wire comes from my spell as deputy editor, when one of my duties was the writing of pithy, amusing, often distressingly pun-laded lines for the cover. So when, in season one, Herc is seen reading a copy of the magazine while on a stake-out, that’s my work you can see there being clutched by his meaty mitts. In season two, when dockers’ union boss Frank Sobotka’s flabby sidekick Horseface is seen leering at a copy, he is leering at something WHAT I MADE. Seasons three and four see Jay Landesman reading well-thumbed copies around his office, well-thumbed because MY PUNS WERE SO BLOODY GOOD. And it also features in season five, although I can’t for the life of me remember where, because that’s my least favourite season. Everybody knows that journalists aren’t that noble.

Omar Little: indeed

So there you have it. The Wire, and my tenuous but not completely unremarkable presence in it. All that remains is to report that I accompanied the first two episodes of season one with a medium stuffed crust with chicken and spicy beef from Dominos and it was ace – the base was as thin as I think as I’ve ever had on a stuffed crust, while the crust itself was extravagantly plump and oozing piping herby cheese. Simple pleasures, dear pizza lovers, simple pleasures.

To finish, lest we forget what this blog is all about, here's the pizza I had last night

Filed under: Movie And A Pizza, Uncategorized, Weird stuff from the pizza world

Alright, stop… Glamour time! Top models nominate their favourite pizzas

The world of pizza is not necessarily one that is synonymous with glamour, although I like to think that this blog, with its gleaming guest stars and bright colours, goes some way towards adding a touch of glitter to the mix, like sprinkling gold dust upon your quattro formaggio. Well, this is most definitely the most glamorous of all my posts, and indeed all pizza blog posts ever, being as it is me posing the question, “What is your favourite pizza and why?” to some of the UK’s top glamour models. I am full aware that I will be accused of favouritism after all this, but I can only report my findings as they were told to me. Don’t worry, the following is entirely suitable for work – those of you who are looking for hot nude sex action can find some by clicking here.

Hall!

Kelly Hall

“Dominos Stuffed Crust, with half Mighty Meaty and half Meateor. What else would you want on a pizza? Best of both worlds!”

Jones!

Rosie Jones

“My favourite pizza is a Dominos large Meat Feast with stuffed crust because it’s the most topping-crammed pizza, with lots of dips of course! Unless I’m feeling particularly posh then I go for Pizza Express with garlic dough balls.”

Richards!

Clare Richards

“Dominos Meat Feast. How anyone can be a veggie I do not know…”

Howard!

Sophie Howard

“Dominos Pepperoni Passion with a BBQ base, just because its’ totally hot!”

Glover!

Emma Glover

“Dominos Stuffed Crust, Half and Half as I’m too indecisive to choose one. One half is Meat Feast and the other is Hawaiian.”

Reynolds!

India Reynolds

“Dominos create your own with sweetcorn and pineapple. Yes, I’m weird.”

Macey!

Stacey Massey

“Spicy all the way! Probably something with spicy beef and jalepenos.”

Woods!

Poppy Woods

“Meat Feast with the stuffed edge from Pizza Hut, because it’s fit!”

Strutter!

Lindsey Strutt

“Definitely Dominos Meat Feast with all the trimmings – onion, pepper, mushrooms. That way you’re getting your meat and veg! There should also be a garlic dip.”

And there you have it. What conclusions can we draw from all this? Mainly that our finest glamour lovelies sure do love a Dominos, but that Pizza Hut can draw some consolation from the fact that they are “fit.” And isn’t that what we are all aiming for, at the end of the day?

Filed under: Guest drops, Weird stuff from the pizza world

Can’t we all get along? A plea to Dominos and Papa John’s to end the fighting

It will soon become apparent to my millions of readers that 12 Inch Pete Treat is a blog which aims to unite the pizza world, rather than cause ructions, violent abuse and accusations of favouritism or the lack thereof. Which is why I was distressed (by which I mean that I thought it was hilarious) to read about two employees of Dominos in Florida, US of A, who have been arrested on suspicion of arson for burning down a nearby branch of Papa John’s, their alleged thinking being that this would result in more orders for their own esteemed marque.

Now, even though I feel the activities of the two men in question are a tad excessive, this does beg the question: what kind of staff benefits do Dominos offer to their US employees, to inspire such devotion to the cause? And how cut-throat is the pizza business in Florida if this is the kind of thing they’ll resort to in order to secure the ordering of two dozen extra units of Mighty Meaty – do people get driven out into the Everglades and never come back if they fail to deliver within the statutory half an hour?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, I am not God, but I would like to inform the people who run Dominos and Papa John’s (and I know they are all already reading) that they don’t have to view each other with such hostility, such suspicion, such illegal application of fire. They are both sufficiently different and wonderful, in their own way, that they can both happily exist in the same world and, far from setting fire to each other, can take pleasure in each other’s strengths, for it is these strengths that set them apart.

Hi there! I am a logo!

Dominos, for example, can pat themselves on the back and say, “Well, now that we look back at what we have done, we see much to feel pleased about. We pioneered the use of the creamy in-base sauce injection in our Double Decadence and Dominator bases. Our new stuffed crust, with its subtle touch of garlic, is the best of all the major high street stuffed crusts. Our sausage slices are piquant and generously thick. We have five, palpably different chicken options, and our new Gourmet range, far from being an attempt to add much-needed class to a degraded brand, does indeed offer the consumer something with a touch more refinement than our sturdy, resolutely low-denominator main menu offerings. Yes, you can accuse us of being a gigantic, faceless corporate behemoth, but we don’t claim to offer a smiling face and a kindly, beaming owner like the other lot do. We make pizzas. That’s all. What more do you want?”

Hi! I am also a logo too!

Meanwhile, Papa John’s can themselves enjoy a warm flush of satisfaction and think, “We set out to offer the pizza-loving people of the world something different, something a little more intimate and less conveyor-belt in its preparation, and we believe we have done that. Our six-cheese blend is fast on its way to becoming for pizzas what Colonel Sanders’ spice mix is to fried chicken, and as for our dips? Boy, you won’t find a selection like them anywhere else – and our creamy garlic dip is the REAL definition of decadence when it comes to pizzas! Okay, we might be laying on the folksy, down-home schtick a bit too heavily, we KNOW we are pushing it when we refer to all our employees as “pizzaolas” when some of them just spoon on the sauce, and we know we’re not that different in the grand scheme of things. But today – this very day, damn you! – we’re doing two pizzas for the price of one with two free tubs of Ben And Jerry’s thrown in! Isn’t that worth celebrating?”

Well, to Papa John’s I say, “Yes, it is worth celebrating.” And to Dominos, I say, “I want no more than you already give me.” You’re both beautiful. You’re both special. So please, stop burning each other’s branches down, as it makes me love you both a little less…

Filed under: Weird stuff from the pizza world