12inchpetetreat

The place where pizza comes to be written about

It’s here: the barbecue stuffed crust from Dominos, y’all!

I feel like I have let you down. I really do. Because this week something new, something momentous, something motherfucking EPOCHAL hit the pizza world, and I didn’t even know it was coming. In fact, if I hadn’t gazed idly upon my Twitter feed at about 4.45 in the PM on Monday, I would never even have known. I would never have known to discharge my work responsibilities as quickly as I could, nor to sprint to the station as fast as my corpulent dough-swollen legs could carry me. I would never have known to push people out the way, hurl myself through the door of the first train south, and bribe the driver to go barreling through red signals to get me home faster. Basically, on Monday, I had no idea that Dominos were unveiling a new, barbecue and mozzerella stuffed crust on that very day. And I call myself a pizza blogger with an ear to the grapevine? I’m a fraud.

She is giving me evils because I am a fraud

Anyhoo, self-loathing aside, I was straight back to Cashmore Acres and on the blower to my local branch of D-Spots (that’s my cool hip-hop nickname for Dominos, which I have just this second come up with and never used before in my life) to test out this new crust of theirs. To insure myself lest it turn out to be a disaster, because heck, some ideas just sound better on paper than they do in the real world, I ordered a medium with spicy sausage and beef, and then popped open a Shiraz to wish it down. And within the stated half hour, this bad boy showed up.

My first ever barbecue stuffed crust pizza

Well, at the risk of starting to sound like some kind of brainwashed Dominos cult member who works 20 hour days in the communal fields harvesting chorizo all day for the good of the community, they really have hit the ball out of the park with this one. Chiefly because, well, it’s a stuffed edge pizza with barbecue sauce and mozzerella in it, what could possibly have gone wrong? Just look at it. Look at its sensual response to the Cashmore pinch. And look at that juicy sweet beef too. And who’s that peeking in coyly from both sides? Why, it’s Mister Sausage!

Squeeze me, for I am good

So, yeah. Completely fucking amazing, 10/10, pizza delivery will never be the same again, etc. But just to confirm that I am absolutely positively not in the pay of Dominos, here is an image to end things that will once and for all confirm my absolute impartiality. Barbecue stuffed crust, people. The future is now.

We will not be accused of favouritism

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Filed under: My favourite pizzas

Pizza and a box set: The brilliance of The Wire, and my presence in it

Bubbles: has troubles

This one is going out to Luke Mackay, who can probably make a better pizza than I ever will.

Last month, for a variety of reasons, I was more or less forced into doing something drastic, and joining a gymnasium. I’m not happy about it, but them’s the breaks. I am also cycling to work a lot too, and not eating as much pizza, hence the rather scattered nature of recent postings hereon. Anyway, what all this exercise means is that I am usually spark out by about 10pm, and also rather knackered when I get home from work. So knackered am I, on occasion, that I don’t want to cook, as was the case last night. And last night, after a few good weeks of restraint, I folded, and got Dominos on the blower. And then I put on season one of The Wire, a dinner/DVD decision which was taken by many of my peers to be a good one (see below).

Praise for my decision to get a pizza and watch The Wire

I love The Wire. I know it’s a cliché nowadays to say it’s the best TV show in the entire history of ever, but some clichés, of course, become clichés because they stem from a kernel of absolute truth. The Wire really is that good, and in loving it as I do, I am simply exhibiting basic good sense and taste. But there’s another reason why I love it, which is that YOU CAN SEE MY WORK ON SCREEN IN EVERY SERIES OF THE WIRE. Yes, in a roundabout way, something that I wrought with my own fair hands, appears in every series of The Best TV Show That Ever There Was.

Jimmy McNulty: judgment sometimes faulty

Okay, to explain. Regular visitors to this virtual pizzeria will know that my first job was as a sub-editor, and then as a deputy editor, on a porn magazine, specifically Club magazine for the US market. You may even recall that, for a time, I was the ghost writer for Jenna Jameson, and, given the amount of hits that the merest presence of her name generated for this tinpot organisation the last time I mentioned her name, I am happy to reiterate this point once more.

I was there when we did this photoshoot!

Now, in the grand scheme of porn magazine things, Club magazine came a very distant fourth place behind the Big Three of Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler, none of whom actually consider themselves to be porn magazines, bless them. Club was very much the leader in a chasing pack that included the likes of Swank, High Society, Cheri, Genesis, and crikey, I really am trolling for blog hits now.

Carver and Herc: puttin' in work

We may not have sold much, but one thing Club was very good at was getting ourselves product placement in films and TV shows – our team aggressively targeted film studios and TV companies to let them know that, if they needed adult magazines as a prop for a scene, Club would be happy to furnish them with all the copies they needed, something which the Big Three apparently refrained from doing. As a result, you can see copies of Club festooned about the place in the likes of Knocked Up, The 40 Year Old Virgin… Indeed, in Little Miss Sunshine, when the camper van is pulled over by a cop and he finds a stash of porn magazines in the trunk, he picks up a copy of The Best Of Club that I compiled, and you can quite clearly make out the cover line ‘Janine Shakes It In Your Face’ – and that’s one of mine! Likewise, when Michael Madsen is killed in Kill Bill 2, he falls over and knocks over a huge pile of Club magazines in his trailer. The top one falls open at the Up Front section, a porn news round-up WRITTEN BY ME – it’s at 1:37 on the clip to which I have linked.

Dead Michael Madsen and some smut that I wrote

Anyway. One of the TV shows who embraced the presence of Club magazine the most enthusiastically was The Wire – it’s up there in every series, and indeed I once asked the show’s creator David Simon about its recurrence and he revealed that it became a bit of a running gag in the show. I hesitate to ever use the phrase “how cool is that?” but HOW COOL IS THAT? Anyway, the long and short of it is that every issue of Club magazine that is featured in The Wire comes from my spell as deputy editor, when one of my duties was the writing of pithy, amusing, often distressingly pun-laded lines for the cover. So when, in season one, Herc is seen reading a copy of the magazine while on a stake-out, that’s my work you can see there being clutched by his meaty mitts. In season two, when dockers’ union boss Frank Sobotka’s flabby sidekick Horseface is seen leering at a copy, he is leering at something WHAT I MADE. Seasons three and four see Jay Landesman reading well-thumbed copies around his office, well-thumbed because MY PUNS WERE SO BLOODY GOOD. And it also features in season five, although I can’t for the life of me remember where, because that’s my least favourite season. Everybody knows that journalists aren’t that noble.

Omar Little: indeed

So there you have it. The Wire, and my tenuous but not completely unremarkable presence in it. All that remains is to report that I accompanied the first two episodes of season one with a medium stuffed crust with chicken and spicy beef from Dominos and it was ace – the base was as thin as I think as I’ve ever had on a stuffed crust, while the crust itself was extravagantly plump and oozing piping herby cheese. Simple pleasures, dear pizza lovers, simple pleasures.

To finish, lest we forget what this blog is all about, here's the pizza I had last night

Filed under: Movie And A Pizza, Uncategorized, Weird stuff from the pizza world