The place where pizza comes to be written about

If you want the pizza of your dreams… you’ve gotta Do It Yourself

I like seafood. I like pizzas. So it’s perhaps unsurprising that I like seafood pizzas. How much do I like them? I like them so much that I would punch a corgi to death on live TV, on the day of the Queen’s Jubilee, naked except for one injudiciously positioned bill-sized envelope complete with plastic window for the address, so you can basically see everything anyway, if there was a seafood pizza at the end of it. I LOVE SEAFOOD PIZZAS. Have you got that?

However, because I live in England rather than one of the world’s civilised nations, my options for seafood pizza from a regular delivery outlet are not great. None of the major retailers do decent ones (Pizza Hut doesn’t do one, likewise Dominos, likewise Papa John’s) and even if you are NOT one of the major delivery outlets, your idea of a seafood pizza probably means tuna (which I don’t like), anchovies (which will stink your flat out) and prawns.

That is not what I want on my seafood pizza. Yes, I want prawns, but I want lots of them, a veritable carpet of the little pink fuckers, effectively forming a second “sauce” between the tomato and the major toppings. Then I want squid – and I’m not talking about horrid rubbery rings of calamari, I’m talking fat, meaty chunks of squid the size of meatballs. And then, above all, I want scallops because scallops are AWESOME. But where am I going to get a seafood pizza like this? Why, with all that going on, I’m going to have to make it myself!

So I made it myself.

This is the pizza I made before it was was cooked on my dead fancy pizza stone

At the moment, Sainsbury’s do a mighty fine pizza base from which to work from, just the right thickness to be indulgent but to still allow you to think you are pursuing a healthier option. So I used one of those on top of my fancy new pizza stone, which is already starting to yield results. After a thin layer of pizza sauce, on went an almost complete blanket of tiny ickle prawns, and then oodles of squid and ten scallops, pre-fried to the point that they were sealed and edible. Then some olive oil, chilli flakes, a little bit of grated Gran Padano and onto the by-now-piping-hot pizza stone for 12 minutes at Gas Mark 7. And here’s what came out the other end.

Look at me! Look at how delicious I am!

Now, I know I would say this, I KNOW that I would. But for the expenditure of about £6.50 and the minimum of effort, I got the pizza that I have been more or less dreaming of constantly for the last several months (even while awake and in conversation with other people), and enough leftovers to do it again with anchovies two nights later. Dicing with food poisoning, yes, but it was worth it and besides, I could do with losing the weight. This just goes to prove two old sayings: firstly, that if something’s worth doing, you should do it yourself, and secondly, that scallops are THE FUCKING NUTS.

Did you hear that? I just said something nice about you.


Filed under: How to..., My favourite pizzas

The first pizza of a new era!

Yippee! Whizz! Bang! Eeeeek!

Happy new year! And indeed it is a happy new year for some of you, although God only knows why. Perhaps you have a fulfilling job or a healthy bank balance or work somewhere sunny or something, in which case, what are you even DOING HERE? Why do you even need the quirky mixture of irreverence and recipe tips that is 12 Inch Pete Treat? You’ve already got it going on! You don’t need this! Go on, be off with you! Sorry if I seem to be in a bad mood, but in the last half an hour alone I have been emailed pictures of a man in a Santa hat with a ruptured scrotum, and some CCTV footage of a woman defecating in a supermarket aisle. WHY?

Yes, it’s 2012 (insert “which means the world is going to end this year” style comment here) and I have started it as I mean to go on – with a pizza. Yesterday, you see, was January 3rd, which is deemed by those in the know to be “the most depressing day of the year”, and it’s fair to say that I didn’t exactly skip home whistling Dixie and yelping cheery halloos to woodland creatures as I passed them gleefully by. It pissed down with rain, I felt like crap – and when that happens, ladies and germs, only a stomach full of pizza is going to ease my woes.

So I decided to go for the supermarket option. No, don’t worry, I haven’t gone mad, it’s just that it’s that time of year when fiduciary concerns (rather than my appalling diet) lead to a tightening of the old belt, and besides, me and The Better Half have decided to boycott Papa John’s for a while, while they attempt to address their “total inability to get a customer’s order right” gremlins to a satisfactory degree. So I went to Co-Op, picked up one of their fancy thin crust margueritas (which come with a dusting of pesto and baby plum tomatoes) and pimped it with some of our left-over New Year’s Eve salami and some turkey breast, and then gave it a little injection of tabasco just so that I’d know it meant business. I then baked it on my fancy new pizza stone that I got for Christmas. And here is the resultant pizza, nestling snugly on my legs.

Legs: model's own

Well, I can report that my first pizza of 2012 was solid, tasty without being spectacular, and lifted me out of my rain-soaked ennui into a much heartier mindframe, accompanied as it was by a bottle of Chilean Shiraz and the excellent Deadheads, which is such a good comedy zombie caper that I decided to watch it, and indeed plug it in this blog, a second time. I am now officially Twitter chums with some of the cast, and say what you like, you don’t get that kind of after-film service with Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Technically, the first pizza of the new era for this blog and its affiliates was the Iberica (chorizo and black pudding) snarfed by TBH on January 2nd at Rocca of Dulwich Village, but we forgot to take a photo of it. She seemed to enjoy it.

Right then, onwards and upwards. I’m intending to now not have any pizza for a month, but a) that won’t be stopping me from writing on the subject, and b) I tried to go a year without pizza once and lasted three weeks, so I don’t hold out much hope for my succeeding.

Filed under: Uncategorized