12inchpetetreat

The place where pizza comes to be written about

Rakin’ In The Dough: Battle rappers select their favourite pizzas

 

Three bona fide battle rap legends

I like pizzas. I don’t think there’s any secret of that. I also like battle rap, which I am slightly more secretive about because, well, I’m 38 years old and I should be into stuff like farmers’ markets (actually, that’s a bad example, I fucking love farmers’ markets) and pub quizzes (man, this isn’t going well AT ALL). Well, tough beans, I love battle rap, specifically of the type served up by my nuckas at the Don’t Flop battle league, many of whom I am now unfortunate enough to call my friends, even though they are a bunch of thugs and reprobates. Well, we’ve already asked a bunch of glamour models what kind of pizza is their favourite, so now it’s time for the Don’t Flop MCs to talk pizza with you, the eagerly-awaiting public, starting with an all-time great…

Pamflit. “Tops Pizza seafood, because the mozzerella is so sloppy you don’t need to rinse a bottle of Coke to digest the thing.”

Pamflit: camp as tents

Sigourney Phizzle. “Dominos Mighty Meaty with BBQ sauce base instead of tomato and bare jalapenos all over it.”

Sigourney Phizzle: glamorous

Cruger. “Dominos Texas BBQ. It’s tasty and I like dipping the crust in them little garlic sauce pots.”

Cruger: Will not be happy with me about the picture selection

Prince Kong. “It’s all about the thin-based pepperoni, winner all day, from Pizza Hut, or Dominos if it’s Tuesday because you get two.” PETE’S NOTE: BIG UP ALL AT RUM COMMITTEE

Prince Kong: Has a nice smile

JokerStarr. “Herbie’s Pizza, thin crust, BBQ Chicken. Because there ain’t no GAWD-damn pork on it! They are the gods of the pizza world.”

JokerStarr: Big forearms

The Calcium Kid. “Papa Pizza of Birkenhead’s 17″ extra cheese and extra chorizo. That’s my final answer and it has been given 15 minutes thought. And two pints of semi skimmed milk”

The Calcium Kid: Slept on my sofa once, uninvited

Tony D*Poison. “Dominos vegetarian, because I’ve got enough beef on the road, yazimi?”

Tony D: Knows what the word "yazimi" means

Sprungy. “The Mexican from Dominos. Definitely thin crust, fuck deep pan. I just like the spicy shit, pepperoni, peppers etc, it’s good times. The only time I really eat pizza is when I’m pissed. Spicy lamb and spicy chicken with jalapenos and green peppers.”

Sprungy: Sprungy

Stowaway. “The best pizza I ever had was at Zero Degrees: caramelised pear, gorgonzola and walnut. It was so good I nearly had a little cry.”

Stowaway: Once slept on my floor, invited

Mos Prob. “It’s all about the Meateor from Dominos. It’s like eating a bison covered in cheese and tomato sauce. And we all know bisons are pricks.”

Mos Prob: Harrowing

At this point, Stowaway (“bisons just need to fuck off and stay the hell out of my affairs”), JokerStarr (“especially M Bison from Street Fighter 2”) and Sprungy (“I have the guile to beat a bison”) take the topic slightly off track. We’ll be right back shortly.

Impact. “Dominos Florentine pizza is my favourite pizza on the road right about now. Most veggie pizzas are just boring, with the Florentine they actually tried to be different and add some decent toppings rather than just bang on any old vegetable.”

Impact: owns his own spotlights

Eurgh. “Spicy Beef, because it’s spicy, and has beef.”

Eurgh: Mobile eyebrows

JC. “Parma Ham, Rucula and buffolo Mozarella, wherever I can take it. Dominos-wise, I take the Meat Feast.”

JC: German, yet more handsome and better at rapping than you or anyone you know

Chris Leese. “Dominos, half Tandoori Hot, half Vegetarian Supreme with ham. Three garlic and herb dips, three hot sauce, Chicken Dippers and a bottle of Coke.”

Chris Leese: Has a pint glass for a face

Bowski. “Pepperoni Passion from Dominos or spicy beef and pepperoni pizza from a takeaway in Didsbury, Manchester, called Continental Pizza. All night long!”

Bowski: Is on the left, also a legend

Micky Worthless. “As long as it’s Papa John’s it can have any toppings. No seafood though. Eurgh might be down to ruin a pizza with anchovies but not me.”

Micky Worthless: Quite simply the greatest man who ever lived

My thanks to the good people of Don’t Flop for many, many entertaining hours. I may be a drunk old twat, but I am YOUR drunk old twat. And here, at about 10:36, is where it more or less all began

Filed under: Uncategorized

6 Responses

  1. Munzy says:

    How immensely pointless, but funny and informative nonetheless!

  2. Munzy, that’s one of the truest comments I think I’ll ever receive.

  3. k says:

    micky not only mentions eurgh in his verses, he mentions him in his choice of favourite pizza

  4. urbanelitepr says:

    Think there’s a big Dont Flop event happenin in Leeds start of February. Cant vouch for quality of local pizza parlours

  5. […] pizzas of some of the finest MCs from the Don’t Flop rap battle league, the likes of Sprungy, Bowski, Sigourney Phizzle and Cruger merrily informing us what they like when the time come…. And my hit count went through the roof, because Eurgh, the Don’t Flop head honcho, is a […]

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