The place where pizza comes to be written about

Special guest Blog! Rosie Mullender’s Five Rules Of Takeaway Pizza

It’s special guest time again! This time taking her first 12 Inch Pete Treat bow is Ms Rosie Mullender, who, in addition to composing a burrito blog that is far and away superior to this shoddy little effort, also happens to be the other, attractive half of the hottest couple in gastro-bloggery, me being the other 50%. She has a love of pizza that supercedes even my own, and so I asked her if she would do a guest drop for me. And she said yes, which is good news for those of you who value things like proper sentences and jokes that work. Here, then, are Rosie’s 5 Commandments Of Takeaway Pizza.

“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. So avoid the garlic dip.”

You’re at home, you fancy a pizza, you reach for the phone… stop right there, my friend! In fact, HOLD THE PHONE (haha!)! Don’t make another move until you’ve read this, my indispensible guide to ordering takeaway pizza. I have 12 long years’ experience in the field and read pizza menus in bed for kicks, so don’t argue.

Simply not acceptable

If you fancy posh pizza, go out. If you’re eating pizza in a restaurant, you probably want something posh and stone-baked, probably with rocket and bresaola and crap like that on top. At home, you should order what is commonly dubbed “dirty” pizza – a thick-crusted, fatty, gloopy mess which comes in at around 2,500 calories and offers as toppings such unholy delights as Chicken Tikka and BBQ Sauce. Lots of people order stone-baked pizzas to eat at home, but these people are wrong. If you want posh pizza, make your own. Sorry, Firezza lovers, but there it is.

Do not fear me, for I am good...

Every pizza has its place. You may sneer at your local non-branded pizza palace – the Kwik Save of pizza joints, which offers fried chicken alongside the pizza. But £20 is a lot to pay for what is basically some clogged arteries looming large in your future, placed in a cardboard box. Plus, if you’re reading this blog, you probably need to start saving now for all the enormous trousers you’ll be buying later on. This is where the humble Local Dirty Pizza Emporium comes in handy. You’ll spend most of the meal going, ‘It’s not that bad, actually, is it?’ and discarding any unidentifiable toppings (“Is that…is it…hoof?”). But you can get a pizza the size of a bus for about £8.99 – hooray!

If you’ve ordered pizza from a delivery giant, don’t bother complaining. The first rule of delivering pizza is that they’ll ALWAYS get at least one element of your order wrong. A good idea is to run a sweepstake – if you gamble on the thing you care about most, at least you’ll be rewarded with some kind of compensation. Otherwise, unless you have Sisyphean patience, compensation will be hard to come by. In my experience, Certain Franchises Who Shall Remain Nameless don’t care if their clientele spend the night tweeting head office, “I H8 YOU!!!!!! WHERE IS MY PIZZA??!!!” In my long, painful experience, they generally have a “meh” attitude to customer complaints which means it isn’t worth bothering. The one time I actually bothered to pursue a complaint, it took 20 minutes of badgering before they started crying and sent me what I’d actually ordered. By which time my hand was a wizened claw and I wished cheese had never been invented.

Dips are everything. I’m fanatical about dips, even though nine times out of ten your local pizza entrepreneur will forget them, like they DON’T EVEN MATTER (“no dips” is an excellent choice in the What Will They Get Wrong? sweepstake mentioned above. It’s pretty much a shoo-in). I now order a few of my favourites whenever I get a pizza, so I have some spares in the cupboard, plus they’re also good for using with leftovers. Although Papa John’s pizza sauce dip is both fresh, thus storage-unfriendly, and the most regularly-forgotten dip. THEY’VE THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING, THE SWINES.

Dips: NOT interchangeable

Dips are NOT interchangeable. Papa John’s have forgotten your honey and mustard dip (although this has won you a crisp fiver – good work, soldier). “Ah,” you may muse. “I will just use the Dominos honey and mustard dip which, on Rosie’s advice, is lurking in my cupboard.” STOP RIGHT THERE. The sweet dough of Papa John’s does NOT go with the tartness of the Dominos dip. The same goes for garlic dip, buffalo dip, and any other dip you may care to order. Dips from the Big Three (Pizza Hut, Dominos and Papa John’s) only tend to suit the pizzas they’re made for. Except BBQ sauce – I’ve even been known to dig a McDonald’s one out of the back of the cupboard and use that. Weird.

So there you have it. Go forth, and order with pride and confidence – and if any of you wail about how good your local stone-baked pizza delivery place is, I will stick my fingers in my ears, so don’t even bother.

You can follow Rosie at twitter.com/mullies although, frankly, she does not need the followers.

In exchange for her guest blog, Rosie was given these pretty flowers


Filed under: Guest drops

7 Responses

  1. gobblemonkey says:

    COME OFF IT Firezza is KING.

  2. Wow, great blog and top pizza takeaway tips. We do love to hear from happy customers, but we also make sure we respond to any not so good experiences too! If things aren’t right, it’s only fair we try to fix it 🙂 xxx

  3. […] 1. When you’ve had your fill, wrap what’s left on a plate in clingfilm and bung it in the fridge. You shouldn’t need to save the dip – after all, you have spares, right? […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: