12inchpetetreat

The place where pizza comes to be written about

The porn / pizza crossover

He certainly LOOKS like he'd enjoy this blog

Warning: this blog post contains deliberately cutesy euphemisms.

So. Back before I became a proper journalist, I earned a crust (or, indeed, several dozen stuffed ones a year, LOLZ!!!) working for Paul Raymond, the publisher of top shelf magazines like Mayfair and Escort. Specifically, I worked for the US version of the UK title Club International, and a Confessions-style sister publication called Club Confidential. One of my duties was putting together the columns by the porn stars we had under contract, like Jenna Jameson (for whom I was a ghost writer for six happy years), Janine Lindemulder and, in the case of Club Confidential, Alisha Klass.

Alisha was known for her shy, retiring personality

Aah, Alisha. A delightful specimen was she – she made up one-third of the “Tushy Girls”, a triptych of lovelies (along with Halli Aston and Samantha Stylle) who worked exclusively for Seymore Butts, who you may know from the TV series Porn: A Family Business. Indeed, she was even Mr Butts’ partner for a while. I was a big fan of the Tushy Girls (I met them all and they were all lovely, and indeed Samantha even offered me the chance to be her co-star) but it was Alisha who we took under contract, and every month she wrote a column for us about what was on her mind.

Which was, apparently, sex, and more specifically, the… umm… the kind of sex which is never going to get you pregnant. You see what I mean? Sex in what I gather John F. Kennedy called “the third input.” Yeah, you see what I mean. Anyway, every month Alisha would gush about this particular style of love-making (one month she even wrote a 48-line poem about it) and we would have her photographed accordingly, or we would set up a scenario and she would tailor her words to fit the pictures. And that, children, is how porn is made.

One month we had the idea of having her do a classic “guy’s night in” – beer, pizza, porn movies. And eventually, in the photos at least, she’d get all excited by the porn, remove her outerwear and pleasure herself in a delightful way. All very jolly, plus she’d get some free pizza out of it.

A beer and a pizza, yesterday

Now. One issue with Alisha was that you had to – how to put this? – prevent her from putting items in places where those items weren’t meant to go. Anything even vaguely phallic had a habit of being introduced to Alisha’s special talent, so evangelical was she about the limitless possibilities of “loving in the Greek style.” So when the photoshoot was scheduled, the photographer was very strictly instructed to inform Alisha that no beer bottles were to go anywhere near her underpant region, neither to the front nor the rear. Even in porn, you have to have SOME health and safety rules.

Well, the pictures eventually came back, and to her credit, Alisha had not so much as attempted to use a beer bottle for any purpose other than a delicious hops-based beverage vessel from which to swig. Nope, instead, what she had done was take a large slice of New York-style thin crust pizza, fold it over so that it formed a slim, flattish slab of dough, and used that to invade herself in the rear echelons instead. Yes, that’s right – she’d buggered herself with a pizza slice. Not hygienic, certainly not sexy, and a damn shame waste of pizza too.

Even so, what a delightful tale! I will leave you to ponder it, and now sit back as the hits come rolling in from bitterly-disappointed Jenna Jameson fans.

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3 Responses

  1. ARGH! “Alisha’s special talent” is one of the best euphemisms since Caitlin Moran referred to her John Lewis.

    In other pizza news, the best thin-crust treats that you can get delivered in the SE1 area comes from Pizza Classico (on the Old Kent Road) and Pizza Lupa (london Bridge, does fancy things with truffle oil). Please to try those out.

  2. […] not so damn fool stupid as to fail to realise that a good deal of these hits have resulted from one of my posts ostensibly being about porn and containing phrases like “Jenna Jameson” and “Alisha’s special […]

  3. […] to explain. Regular visitors to this virtual pizzeria will know that my first job was as a sub-editor, and then as a deputy editor, on a porn magazine, specifically Club magazine for the US market. You may even recall that, for a time, I was the […]

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