The place where pizza comes to be written about

Can’t we all get along? A plea to Dominos and Papa John’s to end the fighting

It will soon become apparent to my millions of readers that 12 Inch Pete Treat is a blog which aims to unite the pizza world, rather than cause ructions, violent abuse and accusations of favouritism or the lack thereof. Which is why I was distressed (by which I mean that I thought it was hilarious) to read about two employees of Dominos in Florida, US of A, who have been arrested on suspicion of arson for burning down a nearby branch of Papa John’s, their alleged thinking being that this would result in more orders for their own esteemed marque.

Now, even though I feel the activities of the two men in question are a tad excessive, this does beg the question: what kind of staff benefits do Dominos offer to their US employees, to inspire such devotion to the cause? And how cut-throat is the pizza business in Florida if this is the kind of thing they’ll resort to in order to secure the ordering of two dozen extra units of Mighty Meaty – do people get driven out into the Everglades and never come back if they fail to deliver within the statutory half an hour?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, I am not God, but I would like to inform the people who run Dominos and Papa John’s (and I know they are all already reading) that they don’t have to view each other with such hostility, such suspicion, such illegal application of fire. They are both sufficiently different and wonderful, in their own way, that they can both happily exist in the same world and, far from setting fire to each other, can take pleasure in each other’s strengths, for it is these strengths that set them apart.

Hi there! I am a logo!

Dominos, for example, can pat themselves on the back and say, “Well, now that we look back at what we have done, we see much to feel pleased about. We pioneered the use of the creamy in-base sauce injection in our Double Decadence and Dominator bases. Our new stuffed crust, with its subtle touch of garlic, is the best of all the major high street stuffed crusts. Our sausage slices are piquant and generously thick. We have five, palpably different chicken options, and our new Gourmet range, far from being an attempt to add much-needed class to a degraded brand, does indeed offer the consumer something with a touch more refinement than our sturdy, resolutely low-denominator main menu offerings. Yes, you can accuse us of being a gigantic, faceless corporate behemoth, but we don’t claim to offer a smiling face and a kindly, beaming owner like the other lot do. We make pizzas. That’s all. What more do you want?”

Hi! I am also a logo too!

Meanwhile, Papa John’s can themselves enjoy a warm flush of satisfaction and think, “We set out to offer the pizza-loving people of the world something different, something a little more intimate and less conveyor-belt in its preparation, and we believe we have done that. Our six-cheese blend is fast on its way to becoming for pizzas what Colonel Sanders’ spice mix is to fried chicken, and as for our dips? Boy, you won’t find a selection like them anywhere else – and our creamy garlic dip is the REAL definition of decadence when it comes to pizzas! Okay, we might be laying on the folksy, down-home schtick a bit too heavily, we KNOW we are pushing it when we refer to all our employees as “pizzaolas” when some of them just spoon on the sauce, and we know we’re not that different in the grand scheme of things. But today – this very day, damn you! – we’re doing two pizzas for the price of one with two free tubs of Ben And Jerry’s thrown in! Isn’t that worth celebrating?”

Well, to Papa John’s I say, “Yes, it is worth celebrating.” And to Dominos, I say, “I want no more than you already give me.” You’re both beautiful. You’re both special. So please, stop burning each other’s branches down, as it makes me love you both a little less…


Filed under: Weird stuff from the pizza world

5 Responses

  1. @Mullies says:

    Papa John’s is best. Fact.

    P.S. You owe me photo royalties.

  2. You see, that is precisely the kind of inflammatory rhetoric that I am trying to avoid.

  3. gobblemonkey says:

    my top pizzas:
    1) Firezza
    2) Pizza Metro Pizza, Clapham Junction
    3) Tesco Pepperoni and Onion

    WORST: domino!!

  4. gobblemonkey says:

    i’m not sure i know how to be nice….

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